The Cosmic Toilet Bowl and The End of Time

Scientists have long known of the possibility of a Cosmic Toilet Bowl, which could pop into existence and immediately flush the entire universe into nothingness. (The flushing occurs through a backreaction to the popping in.) Conceptually the CTB is like Boltzmann Brains, which are theorized self-aware entities that pop into existence, though of course the consequences and probabilities are vastly different.

Given that a CTB would only occur once about every 30 trillion years, scientists have not been very concerned about it. (In addition to being a very rare event, it’s also one you cannot prevent, so why worry?) 30 trillion years is, after all, almost 2,000 times the current life of our universe.

However, Bruce Keener, retired genius and all-around good guy, has theorized that the actual birth of universe was about 30 trillion years ago, and that we should anticipate that a CTB will flush us out of existence in the near term. In fact, Keener predicts that the CTB will pop in on December 25, 2012, noting that “the Mayans could have probably predicted this date if they had sharpened their pencils.”

Keener explains that, through studying the Big Bang in great detail, he has determined that the singularity that caused the BB formed 30 trillion years ago, attempted to bang, but went into what he calls the Whimpy Embers mode until it resparked and finally banged about 13.7 billion years ago.

Keener notes that the most interesting consequence of the forthcoming CTB will be the complete annihilation of our universe. But, he notes that there are other interesting consequences as well.

For example, the Big Flush will be so powerful that it will time-warp the past for a few thousand years prior to the flush. He notes that one back stream of tachyons will peak at around 2,000 years ago, and will enable the bodily resurrection of a man, along with several instances of healing. Another back stream of tachyons peaks a few hundred years before that, causing a man to think he has had 999 past lives and to hallucinate into believing he has achieved enlightenment.

Note: the remainder of this article is Not Safe For Women Or Children, and may not be suitable for those who are a bit of a candy ass.

When we asked Keener whether these insights had led him to be an atheist, he replied that his theology was really at odds with his science. He noted that he believes that God did create the universe, but not for the reasons generally speculated.

Specifically, he said “About 14 billion years ago, God asked himself ‘What is the most perfect thing I could create?’ and instantly he knew the answer: vagina. And, having an IQ even greater than Richard Feynman, God also instantly realized that it wouldn’t be right to just create a vagina by itself. So, he put into motion a plan to let it evolve from an evolving world that would appreciate it and worship it as it should be worshipped.”

Wrapping it up, Keener said he wasn’t sure what he would study next, shrugging to indicate that it doesn’t much matter.

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