After publishing a book, I felt like writing a few short stories, which are largely still in the draft stage. I am releasing the following one, though. It’s a humorous piece, and with the world as crazy as it is, I think it’s time for some humor.
By the way, please check out my updated Amazon author page and, if you are so inclined, click its LIKE button, so Amazon will not think that nobody likes me.
It’s hard to visualize the gods, since they are timeless and therefore lacking in spatial and temporal coherence. Interestingly, though, they have human names: Chris, Roger, Ishmael, Mary, Aomame, Paco, Belvedere (Belvedere?), John, Mike, Julie, Vickie, and Bruce. They also exhibit some human-like behaviors.So, it’s not totally wrong to envision them as sort of human, and it may be helpful for you to do so as you read below about their creation of the universe.
The idea of a universe belonged to Chris. He was contemplating the value of Pi to 80 billion decimal places, for the trillionth time, when the thought just popped into his mind, “Why not create a universe?”
He mentioned it to Bruce who said, “What’s the point? I can see the universe in my mind right now, for all time, and I know everything that would happen in it until its demise 2.367 trillion years from now when it would conclude its heat death and be exhausted of all content and energy. So, what’s the point, Chris? What’s the point of anything, my friend? We know everything that can be known, making life such a BORE for me. It’s too, too boring, Chris. You make a universe if you want to … I am going to invent suicide.”
So, Bruce killed himself, making him the first dead god. This tremendously upset the other gods, because they had been together like forever. (Forever is a long time, even for timeless beings.) None were more shook up than Vickie, though. She and Bruce had figured out a way to have sex, even without bodies and even in the absence of time and space, and it was heavenly. They loved each other so much, and now she would be without him forever.
Vickie realized that Chris would have known that Bruce was bored and depressed and that, by mentioning something as boring as a new universe to him, Chris would depress Bruce even more. In effect, Chris had killed Bruce, with malice and forethought. Vickie knew she could not prove this, but she knew it to be true, and decided that she would ultimately kill Chris.
Meanwhile, the gods contemplated what to do for Bruce’s funeral, and whether to even have one. It’s not like there was anything left of him. He was absorbed completely into The Void, becoming nonexistent according to the ancient formula
Infinity + Void = Void
(Basically, nothing fucks with The Void)
They finally decided that a fitting memorial would be to dedicate the to-be-created universe to Bruce and to make it “his” universe. The ethical among the gods realized that this would be unfair to the inhabitants of the universe, since any prayers of said inhabitants would be to a dead god, but the gods believed this to be outweighed by the importance of honoring Bruce.
So, the gods set about to create the universe by developing mathematics, inventing mathematical physical laws to be followed in the universe, formulating biological laws that would ensure the evolution of life, developing concepts like space and time and matter, and so on. Chris tweaked the physical and biological laws so that humans could never figure out how the universe works, chuckling to himself that they would come believe in “dark matter.” In fact, all the gods got a chuckle out of that. The gods also giggled in thinking about the stupidity of humans, although a couple of gods fantasized about what heartthrobs some humans would turn out to be.
Chris asked if everyone was happy with the specs, and Vickie and Julie said they wanted to speak with him privately. Vickie told him that it was doubly unfair for humans to be so stupid, since the gods were giving them a universe with a dead god. Chris agreed to give superhuman intelligence to seven humans: Eve, Newton, Feynman, Susan Sontag, David Foster Wallace, Steve Jobs, and Madonna.
Julie noted that this was a nice gesture, but that most humans would believe in dark matter for hundreds of years if there were no intervention. Chris agreed that something needed to be done, and decided to make humans extinct via an asteroid in their year 2060 AD, putting them out of their misery. Vickie said that would be okay, but that dogs and dolphins should not become extinct, which got a hearty second from Julie, so Chris tweaked the specs to make it so.
Julie left Chris and Vickie and told the others of their changes, which, of course, the others already knew. (Communication can be really boring when you know everything.) Vickie rejoined the gang a bit later and told the others that Chris had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. If the gods had had eyes, eyes would have rolled.
Vickie then spoke the Words, “In the name of Bruce, let there be light.” And of course the Big Bang banged, and the universe evolved, and so on.
This story of the gods is well known on many planets, but what is little known is that Vickie has spent billions of years, almost 14 billion, trying to get The Void to give Bruce back to her. She has tried every incantation and trick from the book Tricks of the Gods, and created several of her own, all to no avail. The problem in dealing with The Void is that it has no properties. It does not even have the property of having no properties, as paradoxical as that may sound. How do you deal with that which has no substance, something that is the physical equivalent of solipsism? We can only pray that Vickie will someday be able to recover Bruce. Perhaps we should also pray for Bruce.
In any event, very little is known about the personal lives of the other gods. Hence, this historian would like to do a follow-up interview with the gods, but does not know where (or when) they are holed up or if they are even within this universe or even care anything about it. (This whole timelessness thing is still confusing.)