About 13.82 billion years ago, on a July 4, God asked himself, “What is the most perfect thing I can create?” Instantly he knew the answer: the vagina. (Some theologians claim he knew the answer before asking the question. Issues of divine foreknowledge are too complex for us to treat here, though. Those interested in such topics are encouraged to read Bruce Keener’s forthcoming God’s Foreknowledge and Aftknowledge: What Did He Know and When Did He Know It?)
You can probably see yourself reaching the same, or a similar, conclusion, depending of course on your gender, testosterone/estrogen levels, and various ineluctables.
Anyway, God also realized, of course, that each vagina should be placed in a woman’s body, near its center, for its protection, and that women would need a universe to thrive in. So he did the Big Bang thing, not only to bring the universe into existence, but also and primarily to have it evolve a vagina and its woman.
A few nanoseconds later, as he continued to reflect deeply on this (having turned off his TV to avoid distractions), he knew that he also wanted the vagina to receive its due worship, its en raison culte. He thus tweaked the universe so that it would also evolve man and would endow man with the ability to please the vagina and its woman.
God then decided that if there was anything wrong with this creation, it was that it was too perfect.
So he tweaked the universe again to require woman to go through menstruation in her fertile years, and to be forever plagued with an inability to possess enough shoes, while man would be able to think only with his pecker until he turned 70, at which time his brain would be atrophied and he could best worship vagina through the ultimate payout of a good life insurance policy.
So, if you think about this, you will see why we crave sex: it’s the only reason the world exists.
But, as you might have guessed, there is more to the story than this: God has developed anxiety over the way things have worked out. This is not the first time that the vagina has caused anxiety, of course, but never on such a scale.
For one, God thought the whole thing of buying shoes had really gotten out of hand, with women often preferring to buy shoes instead of having sex. And then there are men with their obsession with football, often preferring to watch a game to having sex. God could almost understand shoes, as it was part of the curse. But football over sex? True, even God didn’t like to miss a Peyton Manning or Tom Brady game. But still …
And this internet thing. They are constantly talking or texting on their smartphones, playing games on their tablets, wasting huge blocks of time tweeting and facebooking, and accomplishing nothing but making themselves anxious and depressed. No wonder it had led to his anxiety.
Oh the fate of the artist, made anxious by his art rather than liberated by it.
The bottom line: God is faced with a dilemma. He can work to overcome his anxiety or he can remove the source of it.
Overcoming anxiety doesn’t sound like a clean option. For one, the pharmaceutical companies are positively evil, so taking drugs would be like having evil control part of his mind. Absolutely unacceptable. Even having evil in his world was annoying enough … having to actually deal with it was just out of the question. Plus there is the problem of dosage: it’s not clear that Earth could even produce enough Nardil or Prozac to meet his needs. Not to mention side effects, which could be astronomical.
So, at first blush it looked like God would need to unbang the Big Bang, destroying all those beautiful little galaxies, the powerful black holes, and the precious, well-behaved birds, dogs, and dolphins, along with everything else. But, God had built a safety net into the underlying structure of the universe, so that an asteroid would terminate human life once the sum of evil and good, over all n, equaled zero (recognizing that evil is a negative good).
Upon checking the current status, God saw that it would equal zero pretty soon, and decided that he didn’t need to intervene. He would tolerate the anxiety for the short remaining time and double check to make sure that dolphins, dogs, and birds would survive the asteroid impact. It would just be a matter of picking the right asteroid size, angle of impact, and location of impact.
God reflected on what a shame it was that humans did not make good use of the other gifts he gave them, such as the arts, philosophy, and science. And, in all the years of evolution, no one but Bruce Keener had even thought of the philosophy of the vagina. Such a tragedy. He might even spare Keener so the two of them could mourn the passing of the under-appreciated vagina together. But then Keener didn’t even understand quantum mechanics and so would be quite the bore to have around.
Having made his decision, God jots down some lessons learned in his Getting Things Done Workbook:
- “When creating something that seems too perfect, leave it as is. It’s better that it be too perfect than to wind up the way this universe has.” (Rev. 1.1.1a)
- “This thing called love that is evident in birds, dogs, dolphins, and even some humans, is really a nice side effect of the vagina. If I decide to create another universe, I’ll want to tinker with it so that serotonin and dopamine levels are high enough to ensure that love dominates the world with little-to-no evil.” (Jon 3.16a.1)
- “I should patent all future universes. While I do not envy Warren Buffett, it does not seem right that the expression ‘he has more money than God’ should be considered anything but a joke, not a matter fact. By patenting future universes, every concept will be considered a derivative works, and therefore will bring money into me, making it impossible for anyone to have more money than me.” (Rev. 188.8.131.52.5b)
- “Shame about the loss of Peyton and Brady, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.” (OMG 3.2) []
Oh well, the little galaxies are pretty. And buzzing black holes is a lot of fun. This would work out okay. []
 The full text from The Workbook can be found on the planet Zarcon, inhabited by three-armed, winged, biped monks dedicated to the preservation of the revealed text.
 There has been a lot of talk of late as to whether this story is true. Theologians, philosophers, literary critics, and many in the reading public have speculated that not only is the story false, but that it is proof that the AntiChrist is real, as he created the story to be part of his PR campaign against the real God. They note that the AntiChrist would want us to think that God doesn’t care about humanity (with two, notable, football-playing exceptions) and that the AntiChrist would want us to think that God has the same weaknesses as humans, perhaps even amplified beyond our imagination. Several have even noted that it seems a bit too convenient that the “revealed text” is located only on an obscure planet, to which we have no access. It does seem odd. On the other hand, it seems to me that the AntiChrist would be much too clever to be second-guessed so easily. Wouldn’t you think? True/not, much wow.